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 Topic: Stop the fight with myself

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Joined: 03 Sep 2007
Posts: 1

Physical Location: Somewhere around the North Atlantic

Posted: 3 Sep 2007, 10:48 pm    Post subject: Stop the fight with myself Reply with quote

Hi. I'm almost 23 and completely inside the closet. Well, as I told one of my few (i can count them with a hand) friends who knows about me being gay, i think i have a foot outside now.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel comfortable, if I will ever stop fearing having to admit my condition infront of someone im not ready to talk about it with, not to have to deny myself...
I feel lonly, scared to death, sad, very emotional, covard, and lost, mostly very lost. But in the last year I've accomplished something that seems important to me: I stopped fighting against myself. Doesn't mean I really accept who I am, or that I feel comfortable with it, or that I can talk about it openly, or that I'm not scared to death of meeting a nice girl that i could really fancy. But means that I've "failed", and perhaps that "failure" is the best thing that could have happened to me. I call it "failure" as for a very long time I was so scared with the idea of perhaps beeing gay that I convinced myself that it won't be real as long as I was strong enough to fight against it. In a way I feel like if I've failed, and some days when I don't feel very happy, i still think "what if I had been stronger...". I know it's stupid but... can anyone tell me what can i do to stop beeing such a big homophobic myself?
Before I arrived to this point, I stopped being really able to stop my feelings for other girls to become important to me. But I convinced myself that if i was something, i was just bi, so i could always wish to get really involved with a guy and not a girl. But i feel like all my crushes on guys weren-t really real, somehow i think i made them up a little bit. During that time, i was quite able to talk about gay issues, or to "scan" peoples ideas about homosexuals, or to just talk about any gay related topic with no fear. I was even going to some gay clubs and bars. Now I'm scared to death to be linked with anything slightly "gayish", or to say anything when any topic related with gays appears in a conversation. Im more afraid than ever (well, except perhaps when I was 14-15 :) ), and now that I kind of started to accept all this I don't understand completely why. Would make sense that as I can't deny myself anymore Im afraid of having to choose between it or saying the truth but Im not ready for that? has anybody gone through the same?

I think my post is already too long and vague. It would be nice if someone has any comment to make. Sorry for the way i write, im still having problems just to write close to each other - even when Im annonymous - the words "gay" and "I".
"Procrastinate now, don't put it off!" - Ellen DeGeneres
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Joined: 04 Jan 2008
Posts: 5
Interests: Traveling, science, poetry, movies, the paranormal, music, nature, and the little things that make life interesting.
Physical Location: In a land far far away...

Posted: 4 Jan 2008, 3:55 pm    Post subject: Re: Stop the fight with myself Reply with quote

Accepting yourself takes time. I went through the same thing and I live in a Republican town. I'm not exactly sure if there is much advice I can give to you, but I suggest surrounding yourself with accepting people. The more accepting people you come out to, the more likely you are to accept yourself. I know coming out is uncomfortable and scary, but it definitely will help you accept yourself. Keep in mind that there is NOTHING wrong with being Gay!!! Repeat that to yourself every day several times until that is ingrained into your soul. That is how I learned to accept myself. Hope this helps!
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Joined: 26 Feb 2008
Posts: 1
Interests: Reading, Dancing, Spending time with friends, School
Physical Location: what seems like the north pole in winter, Alberta

Posted: 26 Feb 2008, 12:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

this is the exact same thing i'm going through. Im 18 years old now and im in a college that is very gay positive, but i am from a small community and i am afraid to reveal that im attracted to women because im afraid it will get around, and everyone will ridicule me and think bad of myself and my family.
ever since i can remember i've always "liked" boys that took an interest in me, it started around grade 7 or 8. I would always look at girls but at that age i figured it was normal to look at a girl's body and compare it with my own.
In grade 10 i realized my attraction to women and how i got nervous around some of them, but i just repressed my feelings and dated men. now that im an adult and i have a few male gay friends, i really want to find someone i can be with. im really sick of pretending to like guys because my straight girlfriends are lesbian-phobics. they all LOVE gay men, but think lesbians are disgusting.
although i am attracted to women, when i picture myself in the future, in an established career and with a spouse, it dosent feel right to me to be with a man or a woman.
im not sure if i cant see myself with a woman because part of me is still in denial, or im just going through a "phase".
i told my parents and my mom cried for hours on end and said that "no parent could ever hope for a gay child" and "you cant teach children if youre gay" and "what will people think of us?!"
my dad wasnt too bothered about it, he just said "if thats how youre made, then thats how youre made." but my mom is still reeeeeaaaaaally in denial. she told me she "won't accept me and my new ways" so i find it harder to face my sexuality if my own mother is struggling with it. i want to be an elementary teeacher, but my mom thinks ill never find a job because im gay.
i need feedback on this. can anyone answer my question regarding my future as an adult?

thanks in advance!
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Joined: 26 Apr 2008
Posts: 1
Interests: Literature, Movies, Music
Physical Location: Latin America

Posted: 26 Apr 2008, 9:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm at the exact same situation as you. I'm definetly not OUT, since I never told anybody I know that I feel sexually attracted towards other women, but I want to, and soon.
But I also need to feel peaceful with myself and accept that there's really nothing wrong with being gay.
I've always known I was different. Never wanted to have a boyfriend, never wanted to be kissed by boys, and yet, always pretended to.
Come to think of it, I don't even know I managed to lie all the time. I've always said that I'd love if Mr.X or Mr.Z asked me out, when deep down, that never even crossed my mind.

Anyway, stop fighting with myself, It's a very difficult transition and from what I've seen, EVERYBODY feels scared to death.
I think the key, like Spiderbat said, is to get suppport from people who don't judge you, - even though it's hard to find that - and believe me, I know it's hard! I"m Brazilian, 19 years old, my entire family is very religious and pretty much everybody I know is somewhat homophobic towards gay know, it's as hard as it can be.

Send me a messagel if you (or anybody else who's going through the same) want to talk more. I like to feel that I'm not alone on this and talking about feelings is always better than repressing it.

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Joined: 15 Sep 2005
Posts: 419
Interests: reading, writing, poetry, transgender issues, gospel, veteran's issues,jazz,education,religion,literature,Native-American and African culture,lighthouses,trails,castles,tractor trailers, playwriting, biograhies, electronics, bass guitar
Physical Location: new york

Posted: 10 Jul 2008, 11:00 am    Post subject: Be who you are Reply with quote

Hi Mordake. I was reading your post. I am a transgender person who is also a crossdresser. I came out to my spouse two years ago. I told my son about myself about a year ago. They both accept me as I am. I also happen to have been in my fifties. I never knew that I was transgender until three years ago. I was in denial for several weeks. Finally, I came out to myself that I like to wear women's clothing. All the tension and struggle disappeared. I have been at peace ever since.

It does take time to be comfortable with yourself. It took me a year to be totally comfortable with who I am now. Coming out was scary but it was something I wanted to do. I don't particularly care what others think or say. Maybe it's because I'm older and have seen what trying to please everyone can do. I love who I am and wouldn't change a thing.

Mordake, no one can live your life for you. It's sad that some folks, even the ones closest to us, will never accept our choices or who we really are. As painful as it can be you have to move on. I know that someday I will have to tell some others about 'Gennee'. I cannot control how they will react but at least I did tell them. Enjoy who you are and find people who are positive to who you are.

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Joined: 27 Sep 2006
Posts: 79
Interests: gay history

Posted: 10 Jul 2008, 3:41 pm    Post subject: Re: Be who you are Reply with quote


This is wonderful advice. Thanks for posting it. It is applicable in almost any situation, and we all need to remember it, not just Mordrake.

Mordake, no one can live your life for you. It's sad that some folks, even the ones closest to us, will never accept our choices or who we really are. As painful as it can be you have to move on. . . . Enjoy who you are and find people who are positive to who you are.


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