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Straight Men Who Have Sex with Men (SMSM)  
 
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Some SMSM might be described as "Hetero-Emotional and Homo-Sexual." These are men who are romantically attracted to the opposite sex but whose predominant sexual arousal is by other men. They are usually heterosexually married and in love with their wives, but nevertheless feel sexually driven by a need to have sex with other men.

Other SMSM are socially phobic and have inadequate skills necessary to flirt with and connect to women. They may have such extreme anxiety that they find their sexual release with other men due to the ease and lack of social skills necessary to have a sexual hook-up through the Internet, rest areas, parks, and other places men cruise for sex with other men.

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Usually, SMSM are turned off and left cold by images of naked men. Instead, they are sexually aroused by and attracted to women. Hence, their interaction with men is typically less about sexual desire for their partners than a desire to experiment or fulfill particular sexual fantasies, including fetish interests.

They may be strongly compelled and interested in various sexual experiences that may be labeled as homosexual (such as an interest in anal intercourse, especially if they desire to be penetrated, or fellatio). To fulfill these interests, they may seek out gay men, whom they perceive as less judgmental than women and more open to sexual experimentation without commitment.

Some SMSM may want to bond with and need affection from other men and find that they can achieve this through sexual interaction with other men. Some heterosexual men who feel that they did not receive sufficient affection and attention from their fathers seek sex with men as a way of finding male nurturance and acceptance. These men may prefer that the bonding remain nonsexual but cannot obtain intimacy except through sexual relations.

Some SMSM are narcissists who have a constant need for attention and acceptance. These men use sexuality with other men as a means of fulfilling their need to be adored and admired.

Some suffer from a form of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder in which the individual is preoccupied with the possibility that he might be homosexual. These men feel compelled to engage in certain behaviors that make them think that they are gay when in truth they are straight. They find no pleasure in sexual contact with men, but nevertheless are driven to participate in homosexual relations.

Some SMSM are acting out early childhood sexual abuse. If a basically heterosexual boy has been molested by a male relative, when he grows up, he may keep "returning to the scene of the crime" to defuse and desensitize his emotional pain. These heterosexual men are not homosexually oriented and their homosexual behavior has nothing to do with their sexual and romantic identities.

Other SMSM are sexually addicted and are looking for new ways to add to their sexual shame, excitement, and thrill. They compulsively act out with other men as a result of sexual addiction.

Finally, some SMSM enjoy fantasies of--or the reality of--their wives and girlfriends having sex with other men either in front of them, nearby, or with their knowledge about when and where it occurs. They are often sexually aroused by feeling humiliated that their wives or girlfriends are being pleased by another male whom they see as more potent and better endowed.

Other men enjoy being sexual with other men's wives in front of the cuckold husband or at least with his knowledge. Sometimes they engage in sexual behavior with the man but only in the presence of the wife or girlfriend.

The Difference between Gay Men and SMSM

A gay man's sexual orientation is characterized by lasting aesthetic attraction to, romantic love of, and sexual attraction almost exclusively towards those of the same gender. A gay man's sexual thoughts, fantasies, and behavior are aligned. His identity is based on affectional, emotional, spiritual, psychological, and sexual feelings directed exclusively or mostly toward men.

While some gay men can include and enjoy women as part of their sexual fantasies and behaviors (for instance, being sexual with a woman while with another man or experimenting by having sex with a woman), the gay man is mostly if not totally attracted to men.

In contrast, SMSM might fantasize about men, but their primary sexual and romantic attractions are toward women. They are heterosexual men who for a variety of reasons engage in sexual behavior with other men. They are not gay, nor are they bisexual, though their sexual behavior includes sex with other men. The key point is that they do not self-identify or see themselves as gay or bisexual.

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